Trapped

I feel like I’m crying and shouting from within, behind bars, and it goes unheard and unnoticed because of the evil devil controlling me. Standing there, taunting, always there, always watching. As I lay there tattered, bruised, broken, in a dark dungeon, all I see is my torn clothes, dark jail cell, cold hard rock, water distantly dripping and counting down the minutes to my death. If only I could hear it through the screaming, the crying, the panic, and the laughing of my own personal devil’s dark angel. The people outside are crying just as hard, trying to barge into my thick walls. All I want is to get out. The struggle is so real. I desperately long to have people here, by me, showing me how much I truly matter. “They’ve disappeared” I think. I need them... I need something to live for.... Something deeper than myself. Deeper because through myself, I can only die. There’s only misery, pain and death. I need someone right by me. But I won’t let them in. I can’t trust them. They will just leave. They will only notice when it comes to suicide. They don’t really care. The fight never ends. Always raging in my head. Concentration is just as hopeless as an eagle getting full off of the air it breathes. As such, I wish I could soar out of here. My wings are longing to stretch out. I’m trying to fly, but my heart keeps crashing. Falling into pieces all over and cutting me to the core. No. Leave me alone. Everyone. Anyone. I need to be alone. I need to... You don’t understand... My heart can’t feel or it will crash and burn when you leave... There needs to be a way out. I can’t see... The pain sinks in deeper and deeper... All I need is peace... Enveloping, loving, peace... Hold me, please... I beg you. I beg, don’t let me go. Don’t leave me here. Stay with me a little while. Stay and show me that I belong. Show me what love feels like. Is it gentle? Is it so serene that even angels above have to treat it with care? Is it something you can touch? Peace... Is it tangible? Like a feather drifting on a warm summer breeze, smelling so sweet and loving? I can only imagine it feeling like there are a million yesterdays and tomorrows and there’s nothing close to beautiful enough to do it the magnificent justice it deserves in our language. I need that... I long for it. An angel so pure standing before me. Can it be? Clouds everywhere. The sun as bright and beautiful as ever before. Floating, no care in the world. I can have everything I could ever need, I just need to ask. I just need to reach out and touch it. It’s so close... So near... But just as the image almost forms my perfect, eternal future, immediately it shatters in midair. All the shiny pieces representing each part of me and my personality. They fall only to reveal the now. All I see is everything and nothing. Nothing to hear besides the ringing in my ears, nothing to see besides the deep blackness and my own devil draped in red, once again, nothing to feel besides something warm by my side and emptiness to the core of my being. Finally, everything slowly becomes more apparent. I start to see endless torment, torture... The smell of rotten death, the taste of panic and fear escaping through my lips. I see blood everywhere, blood staining the walls and fresh on the floor. Pools of it all around me as I notice why everything shattered. Can such a small object, so delicate, so shiny, now full of my flesh, hurt me that much? Down I fall. Crashing through the floor and to the death. No. Only on the inside. Every day. Every minute. Every. Waking. Second. All around me. Hopelessness. Tears won’t do justice. Nothing could. Is this what life is all about. Survival of our own emotional wreckage? Fighting our own terrifying lions and demons as they rip at our throat? If it is, I guess I’m already at the worst of it all. Please just... Hear me out... Leave me out... No, yes. Stay, go. Always disagreeing. Always hating and fearing. No more love. No more peace. “Please come back to me, Jennifer”. What did I hear? Was that real? Could it be? No. Don’t fake it. Why could anyone want you? Alone, helpless, and defeated, you fall, yet again, hoping, just like all the other times that it is the end. Can anything end this misery? The haunting ghost of my past, present, and future inside of me? All you can do now is lay there. Lay and hope, beyond anything you’ve ever hoped for, that somehow, someway, someone can find you within the sunken ruins of your own boat to nowhere.