Endless Darkness

What do you do when you feel nothing inside? You try to talk or feel something... Scream out for help in fact, but it gets caught in the empty, chilled air around you. Anywhere is better than here. This horrid place... Not life, not death, just mere existence, if you could even call it that. All you feel is pain so deep that the dagger in your heart refuses to come out, it just twists and throbs. It feels like a black hole is swallowing you whole. Your mind is your enemy and your body its' slave. Trying to make the suffering escape through tearing at your skin. Trying to destroy the black darkness through food. Food only gets swallowed and makes your mind beat on you more... Shouting and yelling commands to fight against the endlessness. Cold, breathtaking air makes your lungs collapse and gasp for breath. Looking around, all you see is demons and creatures of your nightmares. Your eyes deceive you and those people walking around are empty zombies... Wandering and fulfilling their own demise. Yet... Perceptions are just that. Real? Fake? No one knows... Although, the feelings and thoughts tearing you apart are as real as a dog barking at a stranger, or rather, a person being eaten alive by a bloodthirsty lion. No, that's your mind talking... Details around the room come to existence. The chains around your wrists grow even tighter. No, think Jen... It's only the blankets... The bed is not the cold dark air of the dungeon. People are not empty... They are alive. No... Not out to eat you... But they certainly don't know... No. They don't know. The tears streaming across your face could just be from the cold rain outside. Your tangled hair could be from the powerful wind. How do they not see? My clothes are dry... My face is soaked... Can no one know the pain I'm feeling? Does no one see that my eyes are longing for love... Or are they too far distant for people to see inside? Do they not know that my lifeless body is only a mask of the deep, dark pain threatening my very being to the core? Am I truly alone, or is there someone out there? Please don't get your hopes up, it'll only break your heart when they leave again... Keep quiet, no one needs to know. No one needs to know that with every single step you take, there is a being somewhere inside, longing for peace... Love... Serenity. Every Americans' dream, right? Yet, even if their searching eyes just so happen to find mine, nothing will come of it. I will feel nothing. My eyes as empty as the ocean after a storm. As empty as a gloomy, night sky. No, not raging, just still. Dark and cold, but as still and silent as ever before. No, don't try. Just lay there, half dead, and focus on your shallow breathing. Don't let it slip away... Keep at it... Somehow, someway... Life tries to exist in this empty soul...

A glimpse in the past

What happened to the bright and beautiful young girl that used to sing and dance and laugh with a big dimple in her cheek? What happened to the girl who was so pure before the Lord, dressed in white, getting lowered into the water and coming up with a gleaming smile that was filled with hope? What happened to the young woman who helped anyone and everyone in her path that she met that needed a smile, a friend, someone to love them? What happened to the older sister who protected and cherished her siblings and family so much that she would die for them? What happened to the young women who stood up for anything and proudly wore her young women's medallion and who went through school with eyes focused on the gospel and trusted the Lord with everything she had and would do anything in her power to love others? Satan got to her. He destroyed her. He told her lie after lie and tore her heart apart and left her screaming in the dark. He laughed and mocked in her face and in God's face for successfully destroying her. She was left, in the cold, heavy rain, dark night, to fend for herself. Alone. Forgotten. Broken. Emotionless. He got to her and there was nothing she could do. Wherever she ran, wherever she looked, it was black. Blacker than black that swallowed her whole. She tried to beg for help, but the chains that held her only grew tighter. She would never escape. She was invisible. No matter what tears streamed down her face, she knew she was alone. She gave up.

Thoughts

I believe that there are a lot of times where, on the internet or through talking with people, they only express the part of depression they feel. When I was young, I always wondered what people actually think when they are depressed. I find it powerful to get inside the mind of someone. I want to allow people to read my thoughts so that they can not only know what it's like, but also feel some of my pain. I want so much to know that I'm not the only one out there feeling these things. I want to be heard. Again, it is incredibly personal and I am a mormon and proud of it. Please, if commenting, do not bash my religion, as I would not bash yours. Listen, feel, and I hope this portrays a part of me that not many people see.

"I feel so alone. So empty. No one knows me. No one even CARES to know me. They're so preoccupied with other things. I'm unwanted. I've disappointed my friends and family. No one wants to try to reach out to me. I cry every night. My heart is broken and aching for peace. I know He's there and will take care of me, but is He the only one? I don't like doing things I used to like. I feel so reserved. I'm anxious and confused all the time. I'm so protective. Yet... I want someone to break down the wall I've built. I want someone to want to get to know me. How long must I suffer? How much grief must my heart endure? Why am I not worth it? What am I here on earth for? What's my purpose? What's His plan for me? Surely I won't change people's lives. I'm worthless. I'm no good. I'm easy to forget. Oh Father... :'( I need someone to walk beside me :'( I need someone who's willing to fight for me :'( I give up. I'm useless. I'm worthless. I don't matter. I'm hopeless. I've tried to reach out to people, beg for help, but time and time again they tell me they don't know what to do and move on. I don't matter to them. I've tried too many times only to fail. Must I stand alone? Must I pretend I'm okay when I'm dying inside? Must I forget about myself and help others? How can I possibly do any of that? I long for SOMEONE to understand, keep checking up on me, and not leave me alone to die. I want to resign from life, but I know I shouldn't. Why? Because that's not His plan. I need help :( Do I mean anything to anyone? Or am I just a little and, alone and forgotten? Who cares. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't matter anymore. No one would notice if I disappeared. It's not like they notice when I'm here. How can I end this pain? Death seems likely, but I don't think I have the guts to do that. Or do I...? Jen, who are you kidding. Ugh. Torn. Shredded. Crumpled. Forgotten. Useless. Trash. Garbage. Spit on. Thrown around. Ripped. Disgusting. Worthless. Unknown. Burned. Stamped on. Lower than the dust of the earth. Unwanted. Pathetic. Helpless. Hopeless. Crushed. Defeated. Never good enough. My heart is raging inside of me, ready to burst. All this... And no one cares. No one knows. No one cares to know."

Trapped

I feel like I’m crying and shouting from within, behind bars, and it goes unheard and unnoticed because of the evil devil controlling me. Standing there, taunting, always there, always watching. As I lay there tattered, bruised, broken, in a dark dungeon, all I see is my torn clothes, dark jail cell, cold hard rock, water distantly dripping and counting down the minutes to my death. If only I could hear it through the screaming, the crying, the panic, and the laughing of my own personal devil’s dark angel. The people outside are crying just as hard, trying to barge into my thick walls. All I want is to get out. The struggle is so real. I desperately long to have people here, by me, showing me how much I truly matter. “They’ve disappeared” I think. I need them... I need something to live for.... Something deeper than myself. Deeper because through myself, I can only die. There’s only misery, pain and death. I need someone right by me. But I won’t let them in. I can’t trust them. They will just leave. They will only notice when it comes to suicide. They don’t really care. The fight never ends. Always raging in my head. Concentration is just as hopeless as an eagle getting full off of the air it breathes. As such, I wish I could soar out of here. My wings are longing to stretch out. I’m trying to fly, but my heart keeps crashing. Falling into pieces all over and cutting me to the core. No. Leave me alone. Everyone. Anyone. I need to be alone. I need to... You don’t understand... My heart can’t feel or it will crash and burn when you leave... There needs to be a way out. I can’t see... The pain sinks in deeper and deeper... All I need is peace... Enveloping, loving, peace... Hold me, please... I beg you. I beg, don’t let me go. Don’t leave me here. Stay with me a little while. Stay and show me that I belong. Show me what love feels like. Is it gentle? Is it so serene that even angels above have to treat it with care? Is it something you can touch? Peace... Is it tangible? Like a feather drifting on a warm summer breeze, smelling so sweet and loving? I can only imagine it feeling like there are a million yesterdays and tomorrows and there’s nothing close to beautiful enough to do it the magnificent justice it deserves in our language. I need that... I long for it. An angel so pure standing before me. Can it be? Clouds everywhere. The sun as bright and beautiful as ever before. Floating, no care in the world. I can have everything I could ever need, I just need to ask. I just need to reach out and touch it. It’s so close... So near... But just as the image almost forms my perfect, eternal future, immediately it shatters in midair. All the shiny pieces representing each part of me and my personality. They fall only to reveal the now. All I see is everything and nothing. Nothing to hear besides the ringing in my ears, nothing to see besides the deep blackness and my own devil draped in red, once again, nothing to feel besides something warm by my side and emptiness to the core of my being. Finally, everything slowly becomes more apparent. I start to see endless torment, torture... The smell of rotten death, the taste of panic and fear escaping through my lips. I see blood everywhere, blood staining the walls and fresh on the floor. Pools of it all around me as I notice why everything shattered. Can such a small object, so delicate, so shiny, now full of my flesh, hurt me that much? Down I fall. Crashing through the floor and to the death. No. Only on the inside. Every day. Every minute. Every. Waking. Second. All around me. Hopelessness. Tears won’t do justice. Nothing could. Is this what life is all about. Survival of our own emotional wreckage? Fighting our own terrifying lions and demons as they rip at our throat? If it is, I guess I’m already at the worst of it all. Please just... Hear me out... Leave me out... No, yes. Stay, go. Always disagreeing. Always hating and fearing. No more love. No more peace. “Please come back to me, Jennifer”. What did I hear? Was that real? Could it be? No. Don’t fake it. Why could anyone want you? Alone, helpless, and defeated, you fall, yet again, hoping, just like all the other times that it is the end. Can anything end this misery? The haunting ghost of my past, present, and future inside of me? All you can do now is lay there. Lay and hope, beyond anything you’ve ever hoped for, that somehow, someway, someone can find you within the sunken ruins of your own boat to nowhere.

My Story

My heart is on fire. I have so much within me longing to be set free. I'm burning with passion and energy, both good and bad, in life. I have found that writing things down that are on my mind has released most of the tension. But I want to be heard. I know for me that allowing others to read my works can be both terrifying and inspirational, but I need to put my story out there. Know please, that everything I post is incredibly personal to me. These are words from deep inside of my heart. Also, some of them can get pretty graphic. You have been warned. I hope that some of you who have also experienced similar feelings will know that you're not the only one. No one is. Through this blog, I wish to set my mind free and relate to other people. This is me. Welcome to my story.