Bursting at the Seams

Hyperventilating, my whole body trembles at the tear in my chest. Did it really used to hurt this badly? Who knew that this pain was possible? My heart was barely sown together and it took 4 years... Now it's as though nothing really happened. I'm right back where I started. Why would anyone want me right now. I have scars ALL OVER my body... My arms, face, chest, legs, knees, wrist, and permanent dark circles under my eyes are too much for me. I can't deal with this anymore. I am physically hurting so much... The pressure is too much. That knife just dug in deep and twisted painfully before ripping my heart out of my chest and leaving my entire body lifeless on the cold hard ground. No wonder breathing is so hard, no one can breathe without a heart. He took it with him so long ago... That dark hole inside of me never truly went away. Nope, it's still there. My entire body shaking and trembling, when breathing becomes such an effort, I don't care about anything else. I don't care if others care for me or not, I'm so focused on breathing without constantly feeling that stabbing would tearing at my heart. Oh Jen... How are you going to handle any of this? Who are you? Who is the real you...?

Raging Torment

Voices screaming in my head, will they ever stop? Disappointing faces haunt my nightmares. My heart aches me to my core... The loneliness consumes me... The darkness has become my friend, yet also my enemy. I snarl at the thought. "I MUST fight!!" But for how long? What's the point? Where can my life lead? Will this game ever end? Torn between my darkness and light... Always giving up, but wanting to fight. Decisions decide my fate, which should I make? Every road I go hurts someone. Isn't that the reason I hid and ran from the world? I want so badly to become something greater than myself... But my life crashes into roadblocks with every turn. How can I move forward when it's so cold and bleak... Leaving my heart barely breathing and incomplete. The war coursing through my veins binds and ties me to my past. Struggling in these chains, trying to break free. Can it ever happen?? Let me break free!! I want a way out, I need to find peace! I've been fighting for so long, how can I give up now? But all those around you can't handle your strength... You tear them apart as quickly as you blink. Wake up, in your midst are your own ruins of the destruction you've left behind. No wonder they leave you and scream at your sight. Please don't leave me... You don't know this war I'm in... Believe in me, I will pull through. I have a heart of gold and a body full of scars. I can make it, just you wait and see; don't leave me be to destroy my wretched mind. It will happen... My nightmares are my reality, my dungeons are prisons. I lie defeated, bloody, and torn. My open wounds reflect the torment raging in my head. My eyes, fiery with a fight I refuse to lose. I cannot, I will not give in. Why does no one else see this?  Why is this invisibility mask hiding my pains and passion? How am I still alone, screaming, and alive? I need to break free, can it be? I must not, I cannot be overthrown from my crown. Why the power struggle? Why must I rule? Am I not a slave to my enemy which held me bound for so long? Why do I leave ruin in my wake and see darkness all around me? Where is that light for which I've longed and wished for? It's hidden, deep inside, ready to break free. Why is it refusing to come out and rescue me? Why are all doors shut in front of me? Why are all faces either hissing and growling or turned away in shame? I don't blame them for I, too, am ashamed of what I've become. A reckless demon, full of blood and fear, looks me in the eyes when I look in the mirror. How can anyone see past this beast? Where is my Beauty to calm me from the storm? Or am I doomed to a vampire's fate, locked in darkness, awaiting to tear at my prey?

Icy Blast

Tears steadily stream down my face. Unending, everlasting pain. Utterly lost and alone, will this heartache never leave me be? Stumbling in the darkness, I only hear my sobbing in the cold and wintery night. Struck down again, wrenching at my throat, anguish and agony seep through my trembling lips. I am no more, nor can I ever be. Knees crashing to the ice, my heart sinks deeper than the earth. Hands trembling, I can only hide my suffering eyes from the empty darkness. Convulsions take over my body as the icy desolation threatens to destroy me to the very core of my being. All that can possibly comfort me now is my throbbing heart yearning for a spark of light. When will this glass house break? I feel so empty and alone... Can anyone possibly hear my fading prayer? Curled into a messy heap, I scream out in agony. My head won't stop shouting at me :'( Everything hurts so much... I cry just to know I'm alive :'( My heart won't stop throbbing with never ending pain. The wind howls and moans my aching storm from within. Isn't something missing? Am I that unimportant and so insignificant? Broken heart once more, why even cry? Why does this pain remain? Were hearts made whole just to break? I've cried out with no reply amidst the desperately raging hysteria. I can' go on, I can't even try.

Endless Darkness

What do you do when you feel nothing inside? You try to talk or feel something... Scream out for help in fact, but it gets caught in the empty, chilled air around you. Anywhere is better than here. This horrid place... Not life, not death, just mere existence, if you could even call it that. All you feel is pain so deep that the dagger in your heart refuses to come out, it just twists and throbs. It feels like a black hole is swallowing you whole. Your mind is your enemy and your body its' slave. Trying to make the suffering escape through tearing at your skin. Trying to destroy the black darkness through food. Food only gets swallowed and makes your mind beat on you more... Shouting and yelling commands to fight against the endlessness. Cold, breathtaking air makes your lungs collapse and gasp for breath. Looking around, all you see is demons and creatures of your nightmares. Your eyes deceive you and those people walking around are empty zombies... Wandering and fulfilling their own demise. Yet... Perceptions are just that. Real? Fake? No one knows... Although, the feelings and thoughts tearing you apart are as real as a dog barking at a stranger, or rather, a person being eaten alive by a bloodthirsty lion. No, that's your mind talking... Details around the room come to existence. The chains around your wrists grow even tighter. No, think Jen... It's only the blankets... The bed is not the cold dark air of the dungeon. People are not empty... They are alive. No... Not out to eat you... But they certainly don't know... No. They don't know. The tears streaming across your face could just be from the cold rain outside. Your tangled hair could be from the powerful wind. How do they not see? My clothes are dry... My face is soaked... Can no one know the pain I'm feeling? Does no one see that my eyes are longing for love... Or are they too far distant for people to see inside? Do they not know that my lifeless body is only a mask of the deep, dark pain threatening my very being to the core? Am I truly alone, or is there someone out there? Please don't get your hopes up, it'll only break your heart when they leave again... Keep quiet, no one needs to know. No one needs to know that with every single step you take, there is a being somewhere inside, longing for peace... Love... Serenity. Every Americans' dream, right? Yet, even if their searching eyes just so happen to find mine, nothing will come of it. I will feel nothing. My eyes as empty as the ocean after a storm. As empty as a gloomy, night sky. No, not raging, just still. Dark and cold, but as still and silent as ever before. No, don't try. Just lay there, half dead, and focus on your shallow breathing. Don't let it slip away... Keep at it... Somehow, someway... Life tries to exist in this empty soul...

A glimpse in the past

What happened to the bright and beautiful young girl that used to sing and dance and laugh with a big dimple in her cheek? What happened to the girl who was so pure before the Lord, dressed in white, getting lowered into the water and coming up with a gleaming smile that was filled with hope? What happened to the young woman who helped anyone and everyone in her path that she met that needed a smile, a friend, someone to love them? What happened to the older sister who protected and cherished her siblings and family so much that she would die for them? What happened to the young women who stood up for anything and proudly wore her young women's medallion and who went through school with eyes focused on the gospel and trusted the Lord with everything she had and would do anything in her power to love others? Satan got to her. He destroyed her. He told her lie after lie and tore her heart apart and left her screaming in the dark. He laughed and mocked in her face and in God's face for successfully destroying her. She was left, in the cold, heavy rain, dark night, to fend for herself. Alone. Forgotten. Broken. Emotionless. He got to her and there was nothing she could do. Wherever she ran, wherever she looked, it was black. Blacker than black that swallowed her whole. She tried to beg for help, but the chains that held her only grew tighter. She would never escape. She was invisible. No matter what tears streamed down her face, she knew she was alone. She gave up.

Thoughts

I believe that there are a lot of times where, on the internet or through talking with people, they only express the part of depression they feel. When I was young, I always wondered what people actually think when they are depressed. I find it powerful to get inside the mind of someone. I want to allow people to read my thoughts so that they can not only know what it's like, but also feel some of my pain. I want so much to know that I'm not the only one out there feeling these things. I want to be heard. Again, it is incredibly personal and I am a mormon and proud of it. Please, if commenting, do not bash my religion, as I would not bash yours. Listen, feel, and I hope this portrays a part of me that not many people see.

"I feel so alone. So empty. No one knows me. No one even CARES to know me. They're so preoccupied with other things. I'm unwanted. I've disappointed my friends and family. No one wants to try to reach out to me. I cry every night. My heart is broken and aching for peace. I know He's there and will take care of me, but is He the only one? I don't like doing things I used to like. I feel so reserved. I'm anxious and confused all the time. I'm so protective. Yet... I want someone to break down the wall I've built. I want someone to want to get to know me. How long must I suffer? How much grief must my heart endure? Why am I not worth it? What am I here on earth for? What's my purpose? What's His plan for me? Surely I won't change people's lives. I'm worthless. I'm no good. I'm easy to forget. Oh Father... :'( I need someone to walk beside me :'( I need someone who's willing to fight for me :'( I give up. I'm useless. I'm worthless. I don't matter. I'm hopeless. I've tried to reach out to people, beg for help, but time and time again they tell me they don't know what to do and move on. I don't matter to them. I've tried too many times only to fail. Must I stand alone? Must I pretend I'm okay when I'm dying inside? Must I forget about myself and help others? How can I possibly do any of that? I long for SOMEONE to understand, keep checking up on me, and not leave me alone to die. I want to resign from life, but I know I shouldn't. Why? Because that's not His plan. I need help :( Do I mean anything to anyone? Or am I just a little and, alone and forgotten? Who cares. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't matter anymore. No one would notice if I disappeared. It's not like they notice when I'm here. How can I end this pain? Death seems likely, but I don't think I have the guts to do that. Or do I...? Jen, who are you kidding. Ugh. Torn. Shredded. Crumpled. Forgotten. Useless. Trash. Garbage. Spit on. Thrown around. Ripped. Disgusting. Worthless. Unknown. Burned. Stamped on. Lower than the dust of the earth. Unwanted. Pathetic. Helpless. Hopeless. Crushed. Defeated. Never good enough. My heart is raging inside of me, ready to burst. All this... And no one cares. No one knows. No one cares to know."

Trapped

I feel like I’m crying and shouting from within, behind bars, and it goes unheard and unnoticed because of the evil devil controlling me. Standing there, taunting, always there, always watching. As I lay there tattered, bruised, broken, in a dark dungeon, all I see is my torn clothes, dark jail cell, cold hard rock, water distantly dripping and counting down the minutes to my death. If only I could hear it through the screaming, the crying, the panic, and the laughing of my own personal devil’s dark angel. The people outside are crying just as hard, trying to barge into my thick walls. All I want is to get out. The struggle is so real. I desperately long to have people here, by me, showing me how much I truly matter. “They’ve disappeared” I think. I need them... I need something to live for.... Something deeper than myself. Deeper because through myself, I can only die. There’s only misery, pain and death. I need someone right by me. But I won’t let them in. I can’t trust them. They will just leave. They will only notice when it comes to suicide. They don’t really care. The fight never ends. Always raging in my head. Concentration is just as hopeless as an eagle getting full off of the air it breathes. As such, I wish I could soar out of here. My wings are longing to stretch out. I’m trying to fly, but my heart keeps crashing. Falling into pieces all over and cutting me to the core. No. Leave me alone. Everyone. Anyone. I need to be alone. I need to... You don’t understand... My heart can’t feel or it will crash and burn when you leave... There needs to be a way out. I can’t see... The pain sinks in deeper and deeper... All I need is peace... Enveloping, loving, peace... Hold me, please... I beg you. I beg, don’t let me go. Don’t leave me here. Stay with me a little while. Stay and show me that I belong. Show me what love feels like. Is it gentle? Is it so serene that even angels above have to treat it with care? Is it something you can touch? Peace... Is it tangible? Like a feather drifting on a warm summer breeze, smelling so sweet and loving? I can only imagine it feeling like there are a million yesterdays and tomorrows and there’s nothing close to beautiful enough to do it the magnificent justice it deserves in our language. I need that... I long for it. An angel so pure standing before me. Can it be? Clouds everywhere. The sun as bright and beautiful as ever before. Floating, no care in the world. I can have everything I could ever need, I just need to ask. I just need to reach out and touch it. It’s so close... So near... But just as the image almost forms my perfect, eternal future, immediately it shatters in midair. All the shiny pieces representing each part of me and my personality. They fall only to reveal the now. All I see is everything and nothing. Nothing to hear besides the ringing in my ears, nothing to see besides the deep blackness and my own devil draped in red, once again, nothing to feel besides something warm by my side and emptiness to the core of my being. Finally, everything slowly becomes more apparent. I start to see endless torment, torture... The smell of rotten death, the taste of panic and fear escaping through my lips. I see blood everywhere, blood staining the walls and fresh on the floor. Pools of it all around me as I notice why everything shattered. Can such a small object, so delicate, so shiny, now full of my flesh, hurt me that much? Down I fall. Crashing through the floor and to the death. No. Only on the inside. Every day. Every minute. Every. Waking. Second. All around me. Hopelessness. Tears won’t do justice. Nothing could. Is this what life is all about. Survival of our own emotional wreckage? Fighting our own terrifying lions and demons as they rip at our throat? If it is, I guess I’m already at the worst of it all. Please just... Hear me out... Leave me out... No, yes. Stay, go. Always disagreeing. Always hating and fearing. No more love. No more peace. “Please come back to me, Jennifer”. What did I hear? Was that real? Could it be? No. Don’t fake it. Why could anyone want you? Alone, helpless, and defeated, you fall, yet again, hoping, just like all the other times that it is the end. Can anything end this misery? The haunting ghost of my past, present, and future inside of me? All you can do now is lay there. Lay and hope, beyond anything you’ve ever hoped for, that somehow, someway, someone can find you within the sunken ruins of your own boat to nowhere.