Thoughts

I believe that there are a lot of times where, on the internet or through talking with people, they only express the part of depression they feel. When I was young, I always wondered what people actually think when they are depressed. I find it powerful to get inside the mind of someone. I want to allow people to read my thoughts so that they can not only know what it's like, but also feel some of my pain. I want so much to know that I'm not the only one out there feeling these things. I want to be heard. Again, it is incredibly personal and I am a mormon and proud of it. Please, if commenting, do not bash my religion, as I would not bash yours. Listen, feel, and I hope this portrays a part of me that not many people see.

"I feel so alone. So empty. No one knows me. No one even CARES to know me. They're so preoccupied with other things. I'm unwanted. I've disappointed my friends and family. No one wants to try to reach out to me. I cry every night. My heart is broken and aching for peace. I know He's there and will take care of me, but is He the only one? I don't like doing things I used to like. I feel so reserved. I'm anxious and confused all the time. I'm so protective. Yet... I want someone to break down the wall I've built. I want someone to want to get to know me. How long must I suffer? How much grief must my heart endure? Why am I not worth it? What am I here on earth for? What's my purpose? What's His plan for me? Surely I won't change people's lives. I'm worthless. I'm no good. I'm easy to forget. Oh Father... :'( I need someone to walk beside me :'( I need someone who's willing to fight for me :'( I give up. I'm useless. I'm worthless. I don't matter. I'm hopeless. I've tried to reach out to people, beg for help, but time and time again they tell me they don't know what to do and move on. I don't matter to them. I've tried too many times only to fail. Must I stand alone? Must I pretend I'm okay when I'm dying inside? Must I forget about myself and help others? How can I possibly do any of that? I long for SOMEONE to understand, keep checking up on me, and not leave me alone to die. I want to resign from life, but I know I shouldn't. Why? Because that's not His plan. I need help :( Do I mean anything to anyone? Or am I just a little and, alone and forgotten? Who cares. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't matter anymore. No one would notice if I disappeared. It's not like they notice when I'm here. How can I end this pain? Death seems likely, but I don't think I have the guts to do that. Or do I...? Jen, who are you kidding. Ugh. Torn. Shredded. Crumpled. Forgotten. Useless. Trash. Garbage. Spit on. Thrown around. Ripped. Disgusting. Worthless. Unknown. Burned. Stamped on. Lower than the dust of the earth. Unwanted. Pathetic. Helpless. Hopeless. Crushed. Defeated. Never good enough. My heart is raging inside of me, ready to burst. All this... And no one cares. No one knows. No one cares to know."